The Three Things Families Say to Someone With an Addiction — That Make Everything Worse

By Mark Aiston — Former Channel 10 & ABC Presenter, Recovery Advocate

If someone you love is struggling with addiction, you've probably rehearsed a hundred conversations in your head.

In the car. In the shower. At 2am when you can't sleep.

And you've probably tried some of them. And walked away feeling like you made things worse.

You didn't make things worse because you don't love them enough. You made things worse — if you did — because nobody gave you a roadmap for this specific conversation. And without a roadmap, most people reach for one of three patterns. All of them come from love. None of them work.

Here's what they are, and why.

Pattern 1: The Lecture

This is the conversation that starts with research.

You've read the articles. You've looked up the statistics. You know what alcohol does to the liver, what methamphetamine does to the brain, what gambling does to finances and families. And you sit down with the person you love and you share what you've learned.

"Do you know what this is doing to your body?" "I've been reading about this, and the statistics are..." "The doctor says..."

I understand why people do this. Information feels like ammunition. Like if you can just make them understand the problem clearly enough, they'll want to change.

Here's what I can tell you from the inside: they already understand the problem. Better than you do. They live in it.

What the lecture doesn't account for is shame.

When you explain the problem to someone who already knows the problem, what you trigger isn't insight. It's shame. And shame, for someone in the grip of addiction, doesn't motivate change. It makes people want to hide. To drink more, use more, gamble more — because that's the thing that temporarily numbs the unbearable feeling of being a disappointment.

The lecture closes doors. Even when it comes from love.

Pattern 2: The Ultimatum

"If you don't get help by the end of the month, I'm done." "You have to choose — the drinking or this family." "I can't watch this anymore. Either you change or I leave."

I understand this one too. You're exhausted. You've tried everything. You've been patient for longer than anyone should have to be patient. And sometimes there's a genuine, necessary boundary behind an ultimatum.

But here's what an ultimatum does to someone who is drowning in shame and self-loathing.

It feels like confirmation of their worst fear about themselves: that they are fundamentally unlovable. That the people closest to them are about to leave. And the thing they use to cope with that pain — the thing that makes the unbearable temporarily bearable — is the very behaviour you're demanding they stop.

The ultimatum can drive people deeper into addiction, not out of it. Not because they don't care. Because they're in pain, and the pain just got sharper.

Pattern 3: The Silence

This is the most common pattern of all. And the one nobody talks about.

It's the conversation you've been meaning to have. The one you've written in your head. But the moment never feels right. You don't want to push them away. You're scared of making things worse. So you say nothing, and hope things improve on their own.

I want to say something gently but clearly about this.

The silence — however loving, however well-intentioned — can feel to the person struggling like nobody cares enough to say anything. Like the problem isn't serious enough to address. Like they're not worth the difficult conversation.

I know that's not what the silence means. But that's sometimes how it lands.

So what does work?

The short answer: coming from love instead of fear. Making the person feel worthy instead of broken. Opening a door instead of issuing a demand.

The longer answer is what I've built an entire course around — because it's more nuanced than a single blog post can cover.

What I can tell you is this: the conversation that changed my life wasn't dramatic. There were no ultimatums, no printed research, no raised voices. My sister Kathy and my best mate Brad sat with me at a restaurant in Glenelg, told me they loved me and they were scared, and made me feel — for the first time in a long time — like someone worth fighting for.

Within 24 hours, I was on my way to rehab.

That's what the right conversation can do.

A starting point

If you're not sure where to begin, try this.

Before you say anything about the addiction itself — before any facts, any concerns, any requests — say this:

"I'm not here to tell you what to do. I love you, and I'm not going anywhere."

That's the foundation. Everything else builds from there.

If you'd like the complete roadmap — the full framework for how to have this conversation, in the right way, at the right time — The Conversation course was built exactly for this.

Mark Aiston is a former Channel 10 and ABC presenter. After seven years in recovery from addiction, he helps families navigate the conversations that matter most. He is not a psychologist or counsellor — he is someone who was on the other side, and who finally was reached.